Rage

This may seem trivial to some, but today my 18 month old ate dog shit. I live in a isolated small town with leash and scoop you dog poop bylaws…I do not have anything against animals or owning a dog. I grew up on a farm and have owned a dog in Toronto where you are blatantly shamed for not scooping up poop. This fucking town can suck a donkey. It is a beautiful place to live, with all kinds of trails and water adventures and back country, but the beautiful paved trails in town are COVERED with dog shit. It is in the classrooms at the local school for God’s sake…I suggested that anyone with a citation for not picking up their dogs crap, can report to dog shit cleanup the spring of the forthcoming two years. I cannot tell you the amount of panic and worry and pure RAGE that I felt scooping the gob of dog shit out of my son’s mouth. My even worse mistake was doing a rant on the local community page. God forbid I have an opinion about ignorant dog owners and their lack of responsibility. Anyway, I have learned that stupid cannot be reasoned with and I should not EVER rant on a community page about a community matter (sarcasm). Problem averted…

Today

I just, a moment ago, had a revelation. I need to start near the beginning. My mother was with my father, an alcoholic for 16 years. They broke up when I was 16. My dad, on Christmas day, said he was leaving after not coming home some nights and sleeping in the spare room for about a month and a half prior to Christmas. My father always harped on my mother for being overweight. I have an admitted issue with overweight people. My mother was depressed and not working after my dad left. She did not finish college and ended up working at Burger King after my dad left. I have always had a job since the age of 14 until I had my first child at age 37. I was with an alcoholic and was not working for about the last 3 years.  I have an interview for a good job and my spouse is changing his life for the better through AA. I was ashamed and angry because I thought my mother was something to be ashamed and angry at. I thought I was as pathetic as I saw her as being. She died in 2013 of flu complications and because of her avoiding her doctor we found out too late about her diabetes and high blood pressure and other things that I’ve forgotten about at this point. I just had the revelation that I am not my mother. I am on my own path. I can choose happiness and friendship and family. The chains that bind me are of my own making. I cannot tell you how bright the lightbulb that flashed above my head,  when this revelation happened, is…life is such a fucked up ride.

I’m angry…

So for a while I have been with an alcoholic spouse. We have 2 beautiful kids, we are broke as fuck, stuck in a small town with a bunch of small minds and a little tiny economy.  We get by, as people do, we live in a house, have 2 beater vehicles, and a tonne of free shit which sits in a makeshift garage…vehicle parts mostly because he is “fixing” his 1986 4runner.  I am a stay at home mom…my 7 month old son still breastfeeds and does not want to take a bottle. This is my fault. I should also be working…I had a chance to take my class1 drivers license but he said I would get fat. I did not do it. I had an opportunity to be a manager at a pizza joint…he said the wage was an insult, I thought working for a friend would not work for me so I turned it down. My fault. I have churned out tonnes of resumes in the past 4 months, I have went to the local employment center to help me with my resume and cover letter…to no avail…I have received nothing. As I stated before…small town, tiny economy. I almost left him last week, I was almost on a plane home to my family to decompress and find some happiness…but he went to AA for the first time on his own…so I stayed. We are fighting yet again…he parents when he wants to and I’m always stuck with the mundane day to day parenting that makes me want to tear my fucking hair out. I’m angry. I’ve been steady, and taken for granted for 5 years. I have been here steady handed while everything around me was topsy turvy because of alcoholism. I have been depressed and fought through it because I couldn’t take the time to just “be” depressed. Today I slept most of the day. I was up at 7am with the kids and he slept until 11 or so…wasnt ready to “start the day” until 1230/1pm. So I slept…closed the door and left the world for the first time in a very long time. We are fighting because he thinks I understand his illness. He thinks I should be a lot of things that I’m not. So I’m angry. Angry that I’m not heard. Angry that he doesn’t acknowledge that what I do all day is hard and tiring work. Angry that he gets to come and go as he pleases and doesn’t stop to just be with his family. Angry that I’ve let myself become a passive piece of shit female. I used to have a life and a backbone. I am the woman that my younger self was terrified to turn out like…because I gave all of myself up to become a spouse and a mother. And nothing is ever good enough. I cannot live up to the standards or vision that he has of me. I have no idea who I’m supposed to be anymore. I honestly, for a moment today, thought about just ending my existence. My kids are young enough it may not impact them too badly and the shit that he slings my way could be avoided because I would no longer exist. I’m exhausted. I have gotten up every night for the past 6 1/2 months to tend to my beautiful son. Is that relevant in any way to him?? No…he stays up late because he “can’t sleep” and fucks around in the garage until 1-2 in the morning.  I have no sympathy for that. I am a sleeper forced to get up and deal with my child. I’m sick of the 1 sided parenting. Or parenting when it’s convenient for him. I have no idea what I wanted to get out of this except that I needed to write it down and vent. I’m angry….did I mention that?