So for a while I have been with an alcoholic spouse. We have 2 beautiful kids, we are broke as fuck, stuck in a small town with a bunch of small minds and a little tiny economy. We get by, as people do, we live in a house, have 2 beater vehicles, and a tonne of free shit which sits in a makeshift garage…vehicle parts mostly because he is “fixing” his 1986 4runner. I am a stay at home mom…my 7 month old son still breastfeeds and does not want to take a bottle. This is my fault. I should also be working…I had a chance to take my class1 drivers license but he said I would get fat. I did not do it. I had an opportunity to be a manager at a pizza joint…he said the wage was an insult, I thought working for a friend would not work for me so I turned it down. My fault. I have churned out tonnes of resumes in the past 4 months, I have went to the local employment center to help me with my resume and cover letter…to no avail…I have received nothing. As I stated before…small town, tiny economy. I almost left him last week, I was almost on a plane home to my family to decompress and find some happiness…but he went to AA for the first time on his own…so I stayed. We are fighting yet again…he parents when he wants to and I’m always stuck with the mundane day to day parenting that makes me want to tear my fucking hair out. I’m angry. I’ve been steady, and taken for granted for 5 years. I have been here steady handed while everything around me was topsy turvy because of alcoholism. I have been depressed and fought through it because I couldn’t take the time to just “be” depressed. Today I slept most of the day. I was up at 7am with the kids and he slept until 11 or so…wasnt ready to “start the day” until 1230/1pm. So I slept…closed the door and left the world for the first time in a very long time. We are fighting because he thinks I understand his illness. He thinks I should be a lot of things that I’m not. So I’m angry. Angry that I’m not heard. Angry that he doesn’t acknowledge that what I do all day is hard and tiring work. Angry that he gets to come and go as he pleases and doesn’t stop to just be with his family. Angry that I’ve let myself become a passive piece of shit female. I used to have a life and a backbone. I am the woman that my younger self was terrified to turn out like…because I gave all of myself up to become a spouse and a mother. And nothing is ever good enough. I cannot live up to the standards or vision that he has of me. I have no idea who I’m supposed to be anymore. I honestly, for a moment today, thought about just ending my existence. My kids are young enough it may not impact them too badly and the shit that he slings my way could be avoided because I would no longer exist. I’m exhausted. I have gotten up every night for the past 6 1/2 months to tend to my beautiful son. Is that relevant in any way to him?? No…he stays up late because he “can’t sleep” and fucks around in the garage until 1-2 in the morning. I have no sympathy for that. I am a sleeper forced to get up and deal with my child. I’m sick of the 1 sided parenting. Or parenting when it’s convenient for him. I have no idea what I wanted to get out of this except that I needed to write it down and vent. I’m angry….did I mention that?
Somber Parent 